A Fool of Myself

I thought I could do it. I thought I could be "friends" with my ex. I thought I was finally over him. God, was I wrong! He is the only man who has ever made me cry. I thought I was finally all cried out over this boy already after two months, but I cried all the way home tonight after dropping him off ... and he doesn't have a clue. He thinks I'm going to call him this weekend so we can "hang out". Well ... I just can't.

I'm glad I went out with him tonight though. At least I found out the reason, the "real" reason it didn't work out between us. Apparently, he's straight. Yep, I have the honor of being the one who turned him straight. Lucky me. He said he "thought he liked guys but realized he was just confused." What the f*ck? I can definitely attest to him not being particularly fond of sex with guys, but what about all those intimate moments we shared? We were together for over 3 months!! What about all the times we held each other, kissed each other, opened up for each other? It was all so fucking tender and so fucking passionate, how could it have not been the real thing?

The worst part was having to hear him pour his heart out to me about some girl that he's nuts over. As he sat and told me how he's spent the last two months I could only smile because karma is a bitch. EVERYTHING that he told me about the two of them WAS A MIRROR IMAGE of the two of us, only he was the girl and I was him. I tried to illuminate this point for him and he just didn't get it. Fucking stupid bastard. Apparently he didn't and still can't understand how much I ... (loved?) him. I mean, was I in love with him? Am I still in love with him? All I know is that as I tried to wipe my tears on the way home tonight and avoid getting into an accident from driving off the road, all I could think about was ... "what if this was it? What if I never in my life feel that way about someone again?" I mean, let's face it, I've known a lot of guys these past three years since I've been out, and he is the only one who made me feel so much. No one else holds a candle, no one else even comes close. It's not just because he's beautiful, because he is ... everyone in the bar checked him out, even the girl he was hitting on all night even though she was trying to play coy, I could tell. But it's his character. My friends can say all they want about him, but they weren't the ones who really got to know his character and his heart (probably cuz I only told them the bad stuff like how he hurt me). They didn't get to know and love his vulnerabilities and insecurities. They didn't talk about building a relationship and one day in the future building a life. I'll always remember holding him in my arms, no words, but just holding him there, lying together, caressing his head, and trying to hide my tears. I had to cry because it felt so perfect, like he was born to be in my arms, like this was the man I was supposed to love.

I don't know what to do here. Go on being his friend and torturing myself in the process? Or just completey cut him out of my life? And what if I'm not strong enough to do that?

Tonight he said something tantamount to "we're close. I want you in my life." The sweetest and the most vicious words I've ever heard.

What do I do?

"I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't. Here in the dark, these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power, but you won't. Oh, you don't." - Bonnie Rait, I Can't Make You Love Me